Mountain Biking Vs Road Biking (Revision 2)

Since taking up mountain biking last summer (I use the words "taking up" loosely) I’ve noticed a clear distinction between Road biking and Mountain Biking. I sit in both camps, I love them both, I love road biking in the summer on a hot summer's day, and Mountain biking in the cold, dark and lonely winter months. 

I don't claim to be good at either, I enjoy them both, I'm selfish - I do them for myself, not for anyone else. Don't get huffy if I turn down an offer of a ride, I don't always want to train with other people, I sometimes like to go out riding with the person I love the most - Me.

If I ask your opinion or help on something, I expect you to give me it honestly, I will accept critism humbly (on most occasions) and take on board what you're saying; if I don't ask for it, don't give me it. Simple. (I'm like that)

There are however a few things which irritate me about both camps..... I don’t like the MTB’ers who irrationally hate roadies and I don’t like roadies who irrationally hate MTB’ers - I’m a lover not a fighter. Below is basically a list of observations, learnings and ponderings I wanted to share. I may endeavour to continue with my list as my journey through both camps continues. But here is what I’ve surmised so far.

Don't turn up on your road bike wearing a Camelbak, particularly  to road club, you'll get called a fucking twat. On a MTB if you fail to wear a Camelbak you're likely to find yourself fucked, on a hillside, sans water, cyphening your own piss (ok this might be a bit drastic but you know what I'm getting at)

If you go out for the day on a MTB and average 5mph, you’ve had a fucking hard ride. If you average less than 18mph on a road bike, you might as well have stayed in bed.

MTB makes you look cool – even falling off. There’s nothing less cool than a roadie falling off.

Getting overtaken by a MTB’er on the road is the most shameful experience for a roadie; overtaking a roadie on a MTB is the most satisfying experience ever. (When MTB'er passes said roadie, it is important not to be coughing up a lung, saunter past looking cool and like it's no effort - when  safely out of view you can then vomit if necessary)

Unless you’re a chick, you will get laughed off the trails wearing lycra. There is no escaping this. However, chicks dig hot MTB'ers in lycra.

Chances are the guys you go road biking with will have smoother legs than you. However, they can recommend the best hair removal treatment. I've spent many a ride listening to blokes chat about the pro's and cons of veet.

There are far less cars on the trails.

The dirtier you get your best MTB on a ride, the more you feel you’ve accomplished. You hate taking your best road bike out in anything less than clear, hot dry conditions.

Roadies stop for Tea, MTB’ers stop for a pint.

On a road bike, you point at pot holes and grit, on a MTB you ride at it.

MTB’ers measure in Kilometers because it sounds like you’ve gone further

It’s not unusual to go out MTBing and get several punctures, fall off at least twice, buckle a wheel and snap a chain. It just makes for better banter in the pub. On a road bike, you’d ring for a lift home after the 2nd puncture.

All mountain bikers are crap – no matter who you are, there’s always someone better, faster, more skilled, more ballsy. All roadies are brilliant. There's no escaping this fact.

The more money you spend on a bike, the less bike you get. (This isn't exclusive to road bikes)

No matter which camp you’re in, there’s always folk with all the kit who don't know shit. They’re usually the ones wearing generic pro team tops – a mate of mine calls them “Freds”

Whether you’re a roadie or a MTB’er the formula for the bikes you need is x=n+1 (n being the number of bikes you already have, x being the number of bikes you "need" )

If you get dropped on a climb on the road, you can say goodbye to the peloton. Off road, anything can happen.

Spending 5 hours riding in the rain on a MTB is the best thing you can do on a wet weekend, if you do this on a road bike, you’ll complain about it all weekend.

In work on a Monday you'll tell your colleagues what a great time you had in the rain for 5 hours at Afan followed by 2 hours in the pub - or complain that you spent 5 hours in the rain followed by 2 hours cleaning and drying  your road bike by hand.

In 5 hours on a road bike, you can get to Wales and back, 5 hours on a MTB you'll be lucky to get to wantage and back.

In both camps you’ll get elitist tossers who think they know best, and they’re both snobby about each other.

Roadies are pretty accepting of MTB’ers, but MTB’ers will try and suck the Road loving soul out of you.

Rarely will you come back from road ride thinking "fuck, that could've killed me" - unless it involves cars - which I know all about!

You half expect your MTB to get damaged out on a ride, it breaks your heart a little when you chip your paintwork of your shiny carbon roadbike.

Stop spending money on saving a kilo on your kit - lose a couple of kilo's off your ass - it's far cheaper.

Take spares. Unless you have domestiques on hand (like I do) ;-)

MTB'ers and Roadies will both take holidays to The Alps, roadies will be going for the climbs, MTB'ers for the descents.

Girls, learn how to do your own bike maintenance - not only is it cool, to whip out your own chain breaker, it's satisfying as hell diagnosing other people bike breakdowns. This isn't a "Girl Power" thing either, it's "coolness" thing. There is a quota for the damsel in distress act - use it wisely.

If you are going to draft the entire ride, expect me to take the piss out of you for not pulling your weight and getting towed by a girl all day.